Controversy erupts over whether or not the hobbits of Flores are really a new species, or just a pygmy human with a mental condition that results in a small skull.
Scientists love a good argument, as Professor Teuka Jacob, the leader of the hobbit sceptics, says:
This is like ecstasy without the drug. It relieves you. The blood speeds up. It excites you.
This one could run and run.
It’s clichéd to be cynical at Christmas, sang Half Man Half Biscuit. Well it’s not my fault. This year, more than ever before, I’ve found myself unable to summon up the tiniest bit of joy in Christmas. This is partly because the festival is getting ever more grotesque, as shown clearly by the incessent spread of the garish, distasteful and energy-wasting fairy lights over the houses of this country.
My mother uses Christmas as an excuse to buy me the warm gloves, jumpers, hats and scarfs that I will not buy myself, or let her buy me, the rest of the year. Motherhood, as you are probably all aware, is a form of dementia, and one of the symptoms of this affliction is an extreme obsession about the temperature of ones offspring. Now, when going out, one has the choice of carrying a coat, hat and pair of gloves around all day, or risk being slightly cold for the ten minutes or so you expect to spend outside. Personally, I prefer to take my chances with the weather, which seems to result in sleepless nights for my mother. In buying me woollies for christmas, despite my warning her not to, my mother is utilising a form of emotional blackmail: wear warm clothes, or feel guilty about not using your mother’s christmas present.
My mother also has a tendency to buy me crap. This year was an exception: I got two practical gifts that are just what I needed. Unfortunately she slipped up right at the end, with a pair of Homer Simpson socks. I realise this might sound ungrateful, but having frequently made plain my moral objection to plastic tat and “comedy” socks that I’ll never wear, she bought me the specific gift I object so strongly to. Is it just me, or does this betray a level of disrespect for me, and what is worse, the environment? And yet I still felt I had to laugh and say thank-you for them. OK, so it’s difficult sometimes to think of what to buy people, but I’ve made it quite clear that I’m perfectly happy for her to stick any money she would have spent on me into a charity tin.
New year’s eve isn’t much better. The problem with it is the sheer number of amateur drinkers around the place. You know the sort — they don’t get drunk much more than once a year, and spend the whole time laughing at how drunk they are. Later they probably vomit. They’re not big, they’re not clever, they’re not good company. Now, I’ve got no problem with annual drinkers for 364 days of the year; they’ll probably live a lot longer than I. Similarly, I’d be a bit hypocritical if I didn’t like drunk people. I’d just rather not be around when people who aren’t in the habit of getting drunk get rat-arsed.
Thankfully, this is one horror that I managed to escape this year, and I was in bed by quarter to twelve. Of course, the fireworks kept me awake for half an hour and frightened the cat into crapping on the carpet. But I can’t really complain, since it was the rest of the family that had to clean it up when they got back from their party.
Silvio Berlusconi, a kind of italian Rupert Murdoch and George Bush rolled into one, has finally confirmed his insanity to the world. Speaking of his recent hair transplant operation to counter his receding hair line, he claimed it was a politician’s duty to undergo plastic surgery:
Given the possibilities of today’s cosmetic surgery, I think that those who can afford it have a duty to present themselves in the best possible way… It is a way of showing respect to those who expect you to represent them on an international and national stage.
Indicating that his transformation into a fully-fledged Bond villain was almost complete, he said:
I am very happy to have subjected myself to such pain. I think this should be regarded as an example.
Meanwhile, the tsunami death toll has climbed to 124,000.
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