Underblog.co.uk

Sexually frustrated Feili has become grumpy and lethargic. She has even been driven to take up smoking because her partner, who is 28 years her senior, is unable or unwilling “to meet her sexual demands” according to the BBC. What makes Feili’s plight so news-worthy? Because she’s only thirteen years old. Oh, and she’s a chimp.

Despite her 41 year old cage-mate being crap in bed, Feili has turned her nose up at other potential suitors introduced to her by staff at the Zhengzhou zoo in central China. It is not thought that Feili is addicted to nicotine but rather that she is bored and passing the time by imitating smoking tourists. However, she certainly seems very keen to get her hands on the fags, spitting at passing visitors who ignore her requests for cigarettes or a light. It seems that it isn’t just humans who can get grouchy if they aren’t getting any.

Elsewhere in the great-ape world: “Gollum to play King Kong” headlines. Andy Serkis, the voice and movements of Gollum in the Lord of The Ring trilogy, is to once again work under Peter Jackson as King Kong in the forthcoming remake of the 1930s film. Serkis has been “hanging out with gorillas in Rwanda to prepare for the role”.

Dear [x]

I know from previous correspondence with you that Tony Blair enjoys your support for his leadership of the the Labour party and the country. However, I hope you will be accept that, as the title of the report published today suggests, the prime minister still has a case to answer regarding his role in persuading parliament to support the war in Iraq.

Despite two public inquiries related to the intelligence on which the case for war was made, I believe that there remain serious unanswered questions involving Mr. Blair’s involvement in making that case, which was based on a false premise: that Iraq’s WMDs posed a threat to Britain. These questions were beyond the remits of both the Hutton and Butler reports.

Glen Rangwala and Dan Plesch give numerous examples of statements by the prime minister which, by omission, exaggeration and semantic trickery, they believe painted a misleading picture of the intelligence available to him at the time.

Even if you personally believe that Blair is innocent of misleading parliament and country by intention or negligence, I hope you will read the report commissioned by Adam Price and see that he has a case to answer. You will doubtless fear that having Mr. Blair’s intentions questioned by the impeachment process would be politically damaging for your party, and terminal for your political career. But what is politics worth if our politicians lack the trust of the electorate? If there can be so many apparent disparities between what the prime minister knows and what he says? If the prime minister can lead the country into war, against a background of unprecedented national protest, on a pretext found to be false, and not have to defend his role in doing so?

From your point of view, perhaps you will realise that giving Blair the chance to defend himself is a great opportunity. Presumably you believe he will be found innocent, in which case your trust in the him will finally be vindicated. I urge you to vote to try Tony Blair before parliament so that this matter can finally be resolved and the country’s confidence in parliament and the Labour party restored.

Yours Sincerely,
[underblog]
—

Worth a try. Now I just have to wait the usual three weeks for a reply. See the Impeach Blair website for more information.

One usually thinks of impeachment as an American thing, but apparently the concept dates back to mediæval British law. Now it appears that impeachment may be coming home as a group of MPs led by Adam Price (Plaid Cymru) are attempting to impeach Tony Blair under a law last used over 150 years ago, but never repealed. Most of the eleven MPs involved are Welsh and Scottish nationalists but two conservatives are also backing the campaign. Boris Johnson, famously eccentric tory and editor of The Spectator, should help to attract some media attention to the historic impeachment attempt.

Back in the real world, it seems very unlikely that Price & co. will be succesful in ousting Blair, but at least it will keep the deceitful case against for war against Iraq in the headlines. No doubt bloggerheads will keep us up-to-date.

My mother is a nurse. Today she was at the home of a patient who is dying from cancer. This poor woman, in her mid-forties, has large open wounds where the cancer has eaten away at her: the worst my mum has ever seen. She is given very large doses of morphine to help with the pain, which obviously leaves her pretty spaced out. She and her family have been hoping that the end will come soon.

When my mum was there today, a distant smile was on the woman’s face. She said that she could see a bright light. Those present encouraged her to go towards it. After a few moments, the serene face turned into a frown. “It’s broken. I thought I told him to change the bloody bulb”.

It seems she’ll have to wait a little while longer.

In general, I don’t like email “memes”. They usually comprise a list of tired, sexist clichés about the differences between men and women, sent by someone you barely know who forwarded it to everyone in his or her address book. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was written over ten years ago now. Aren’t people over that sort of stuff yet?

Today I received this:

• First Question:
  You are participating in a race.
  You overtake the second person.
  What position are you in?

  If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

• Second Question:
  If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

  If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.

• Third Question:
  Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
  Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

  Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!

• Fourth Question:
  Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
  What is the name of the fifth daughter? (a, e, i, o, u)?

  Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Dammit. Not only are chain emails annoying, they’re also cleverer than me.

Anti-semitism: only occasionally amusing.

Ali G’s alter-ego, Kazakh journalist Borat, manages to convince a room of country and western fans to join in some musical Jew-bashing. Funny and scary at the same time.

Sacha Baron Cohen, the comedian behind Borat, is jewish himself so he can get away with that sort of thing.